Uzumaki's Bane
by nliev
Summary: this things so random it has no summary... well, AU with RANDOMNESS to the next level...


**DISCLAMER: I DON'T OWN NARUTO!!!**

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**Chapter 1**

"Ph33r mah l33t rasengan sasuke teh n00b!!"

"I will stop that with my chidora ya mon."

"Rasengan!!!!!" "Chidori!!!!"

"STFU!!" a mysterious voice said

"Who the f**kin hell are you ya?" sasuke said.

"I am the supah l33t h4x0r awesomely l33t guy!!"

"WTF?! Anyway, try stopping this… Ama Kakeru Ryu no Hirameki!!" Naruto shouted.

Sasuke didn't know that Naruto studied the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu style from a magazine he bought at Ichiraku's who now sells magazines and ramen.

"The hell!! M-m-mikuru beam!!!" sasuke did the "pose"

"The hell? I'm outta here mon." The supah l33t h4x0r awesomely l33t guy said.

"Shove this into your bloody arse, bloody gay bastard!! Super ultra electro magnetic ball!!!" naruto unsheathed his sword.

"I'm not gay… butterfly beam!!!" sasuke shot butterflies from his heart shaped gun.

"The f***!!! It's so gay!! Noooooooo!!" naruto got pwnd.

"(Insert sasuke's gay friendship speech here)" with that, sasuke left Naruto's twitching body. Then, out of nowhere, Joker injected Naruto with Smilex™ then went out of existence.

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_Somewhere else_

Kakashi felt the sudden burst of chakra so he stopped. "Hey bat-dog, do you think it's them?" "I'm not bat-dog. Yes I think it's them. We should hurry." Bat-Pakkun said.

"So you were here. Hook." Peter Pan said.

"Who the hell is Hook?" Kakashi said.

"You can't escape by acting innocent. You have an eyepatch, so you must be a pirate. Nine headed dragon flash!!!" Peter Pan charged at Kakashi.

"The hell? KAME…HAME…HA!!!!" Kakashi used a parody attack.

"Kakashi power level up by 600g's" a mysterious voice said.

Peter Pan did not know that Kakashi trained under master roshi so he didn't expect him to use kamehameha. In short, he got pwnd… in a creative way. "Let's not waste time. Let us go to them." Kakashi said.

_A place near "somewhere else"_

"Taco bell… Taco bell… Huh?" A mysterious old guy different from any mysterious things I said so far was walking in the valley saw Naruto's twitching body. He also saw the butterflies adorning Naruto's body.

"What is he doing here? And what the hell happened to his body?" Realizing no one was going to answer him, he took Naruto with him to make him manly again.

_Nowhere… (Sigh… I need a new job)_

"Uggh, where am I?" Naruto just woke up. He looked around. Then he remembered his fight with Sasuke. "Oh yeah…" Then, he remembered the butterflies. "HOLY CRAP!!!!" He looked at his body and saw that it is not covered with butterflies. "Whew, wherever I am, I'm happy I am still a man."

"Oh so you're awake." An old man entered the room. He was well… old. The only difference is he is wearing a purple robe with golden crescents and stars adorning it.

"I thought you were going to die. Good thing the flames of your teen libido is so strong it countered the effects of the butterfly beam."

"Thanks for saving me. But, umm, where am I?" Naruto asked his saviour.

"You're at York."

"I'm inside an egg?"

"Yes. I mean, DAMN ARE YOU STUPID?!" The old man ranted.

"Oh… sorry, who the hell are you again? I forgot to ask for your friggin name." Naruto said while standing up from his bed and doing some manly things.

"I'm Merlin. Or in WoW I'm merlin_l33t_pwn." Merlin got up and picked his laptop. "Anyway, ask your questions later, I'm going to kill Kil'jaeden."

"Ok, thanks again."

After Merlin left, Naruto went out to do some manly things… again. "Well, I think I'm going to stay here for a while so I'm going to buy some clothes. Some MANLY clothes… So… where do I go?" A cursor appeared then clicked a certain building. It was flesh colored with huge brawny arms sticking from the side doing pull-ups of some kind. It has a sign that says "We sell MANLY clothes, Hoo Ha Hi!!"

"Oh… Damn that's manly." Naruto, deciding he was going to be buying at that shop, started walking. On the way, he saw a brown cat. He petted the cat and surprisingly… well, not really that surprising, the cat bit Naruto. "Oooh.. I like this cat. From now on I'll call you Shamisen." The cat looked like it was nodding. Naruto put the cat on his shoulder then started walking again. Suddenly he stopped.

'Why do I feel funny? Oh! A man tripped! BWAHAHAH He is so stupid....'

"BWAHAHAHAHAH!!! Heeheheeehee!" Naruto burst out laughing. The man, feeling ashamed, ran to oblivion. Many people glared at Naruto for laughing at the man.

"What?! Hwahahah!!" 'Damn why do I keep on laughing?' Naruto realized that if this continues, he will be labeled as crazy so he ran towards a nearby alley then hid there.

"HEY!!! BOY!!! I FORGOT TO ASK YOUR NAME!!! ANYWAYS IT IS DINNERTIME SO GET YOUR FRIGGIN ASS DOWN HERE!!!" Naruto tensed.

"Maybe Merlin can help me with this." Naruto thought as he ran towards the source of the voice. Like many stories, as he was running in an intersection, he bumped into another person. Naruto, being the ninja that he was, didn't fall but unfortunately the other person is well, a normal person. But Naruto caught this person anyway so everybody is happy.

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_Somewhere else (I will kill the scriptwriter sometime these days)_

Kakashi was standing in the World's End. He didn't know how he got there, where he was, and why the friggin hell he was wearing a pink tutu. All he remembers is he is pissing in a nearby tree when he heard Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody". He fell asleep then when he awakened, he was there. "Oh my holy load!! Kakashi that thing you're wearing is most unyouthful!" Oh crap… Kakashi realized he was in hell.

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_Somewhere…again._

"Put your left foot in, put your left foot out, do the hokey pokey and shake it all around…" Itachi was recording his new single when Kisame knocked the recording studio down in the literal sense of that senseless pun. "Itachi, the Kyuubi-brat disappeared from the face of the earth!!!"

"Well, maybe he does not fear deathhahhh…" Itachi said while mourning on the loss of his new album.

"Wow that was totally random…"

"Yeeaaaah maaan… mother nature says so duuude..." Zetsu said out of nowhere.

"Holy moly Pain-man!!! Zetsu is a Hippie!!" Ro-Konan-bin said.

"Yes it looks like he is indeed a hippie… TO THE AKATSUKI CAVE" Pain-man said.

'tenenenen nenene nen'

_Inside the AKATSUKI CAVE_

"Is this computer using organic electricity dude?" Zetsu who was currently tied to a garrote asked.

"Nope" Painman replied.

"NOOOOOOO!!!!" Zetsu shut the f**k up and died.

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_Someplace else (I'm soo outta here)_

"Anyways I don't like this place so… Bye." Naruto got his scroll of town portal from his holster then teleported away. When he arrived at Konoha, he went to the ramen stand and ordered some coffee ramen just for the heck of it.

"Yo."

Naruto turned around and saw Kakashi wearing a pink tutu. To his horror, it is the frilly type of tutu.

"What the friggin hell are you wearing Kakashi-sensei?!" Naruto used the dagger of escape to teleport to his apartment.

"What the?" Kakashi looked at what he was wearing and realized that he is in fact still wearing that despicable dress.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

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_Naruto's apartment (At last, some place that is not unknown!!!)_

Still brain fried from the turn of events, Naruto slumped down his sofa. He turned on the

TV but realized that it doesn't exist so he turned it off again.

"*Sigh* I wish something would happen" Then he remembered his past twelve hours.

"No wait, scrap that." But, alas! It was far too late.

(Darth Vader style breathing) "Naruto, I am your father," Daffy Duck said.

"NANI?!" Naruto shouted out of frustration.

"You're supposed to shout 'NOOOOOOOOO!'" Daffy Duck said.

"Oh." Naruto dismissed the unreal turn of events then went out to get his coffee ramen.

While walking, He realized he forgot where Shamisen is so he ran around like an idiot. He realized it was far too late to find Shamisen to he went back to his apartment and slept.

_Naruto's apartment_

Naruto woke up. "Damn that was the most random thing I've ever dreamt of… good thing it was just only a dream." Or is it…

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A/N: well… that was random… is it not?... and also, this story does not reflect the authors view on things. as i said, this thing's random.


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